Once A Pun A Time
by NettieC
Summary: Pure EO fluff based on puns - just some plain old innuendo and fun...


**Disclaimer: They don't belong to me but you know that already.**

Once a pun a time...

Every day, Elliot Stabler went to work and faced death. There was always the chance of a bullet claiming him, an explosion ending it all, or Olivia Benson finding out. The first two he could handle, the third, he didn't even want to contemplate.

Separated for two years, his divorce had been finalised a month ago. Before the ink had dried on the paper, Elliot had finally allowed his heart and mind to go to the forbidden place – the one which involved his incredibly sexy partner clothed in nothing but her gorgeous smile. Shaking his head, he tried to get back to his paper work, all the while trying to ignore his growing interest which was sheltered under his desk.

"So?" Olivia questioned and when he looked up it was clear she was expecting an answer.

"Um... sorry Olivia, I wasn't listening," he admitted with a sheepish grin. "What did you say?

"I asked whether you wanted to call it a night and grab some dinner," she repeated, pushing back her chair and standing up.

"That sounds good," he replied, but realising things hadn't completely subsided, he had to buy some time. "Can you give me ten to finish this file?"

"Sure," she replied, sitting down once more. "I'm impressed," she said with a chuckle. "It's not like you to be so conscientious."

"There's lots of impressive things about me," he remarked, trying to keep his eyes on the screen.

"I bet there are," Olivia sassed and Elliot blushed four different shades of red. Now, he needed fifteen minutes.

-

Finally seated at the restaurant, three blocks away from Elliot's apartment, Olivia scanned her menu. Having missed lunch, due to their case, she declared herself starving as she read and reread the delights on offer.

"What are you having?" Olivia asked as she glanced over at Elliot. "What?" she asked when she realised he'd been staring at her.

"Oh, nothing," he replied, quickly opening his menu. "Um, probably have the steak ... you?"

"I'm thinking I'll have the baby back ribs with fries and maybe Death by Chocolate for dessert," she replied, almost drooling in anticipation.

Biting back his first thought, which was how could she eat like that and still have such an amazing body, Elliot just nodded and said, "Sounds good."

While waiting for their dinner, the conversation was light and easy; rehash of their case, the latest gossip, anything work related – all the safe topics.

When the meals arrived, Olivia gasped at the plate put before her.

"Wow!" she exclaimed when the waiter departed. "Look at my rack! Have you ever seen a great rack like this?" she asked in awe of her ribs.

Elliot choked on his water. "Um, no," he managed and though his eyes were in the vicinity of her plate, it was a different rack he was thinking about.

-

Thankful Olivia had her hands and mouth occupied with her dinner, Elliot was spared the awkwardness of over thinking everything he said, worried he'd screw up and admit his feelings.

Between dinner and dessert, Olivia turned the conversation to his kids and Elliot happily related the latest news about his offspring.

"So, do you want to watch a movie after dinner?" Olivia asked, glad to have the next few days off.

"Yeah," he replied, liking the idea of spending more hours with her. The last nineteen weren't nearly enough.

"Got anything planned for your days off?" she asked, rolling her water glass in her hands.

"A few odd jobs around the place. You?" he asked, wondering if he could wrangle a date between them.

"I have a few errands I need to run, but predominantly I plan on having an amazing one on one relationship with my bed," she said laughing.

Bed ... Olivia's bed ... Olivia in bed in pyjamas ... or a negligee ... or nothing ... Elliot's mind was off on another Olivia based encounter and he was thankful for the heavy tablecloth hiding his arousal.

"El?" she called, breaking him out of his wanderings. "You okay?"

"Ah, yeah," he said, with a cough. "Just thinking," he said, trying to explain his absentmindedness.

"About?" she prompted, concerned about the number of times he had just zoned out lately.

-

Sighing deeply, Elliot was relieved when the waiter returned with Olivia's desert; a mountainous concoction of anything chocolate covered in more whipped cream than he knew what to do with. That thought alone was enough to have his mind wandering once more and coming up with some very suitable uses for the whipped cream and hot chocolate fudge ... and Olivia's naked body.

"Elliot?" Olivia called again, scooting around the booth to be closer to him. "What's going on with you?" she asked more than concerned.

"Nothing," he lied. "I guess I'm just tired. Sorry, Liv, I don't mean to be bad company."

"So long as you're alright," she said, patting his arm. "You haven't been yourself lately."

"Sorry, Liv," he apologised once more.

"Okay, we'll finish this, I'll walk you back to your place and get a cab," she related. "Hopefully some sleep will help you out."

"Yeah, it should," he replied, watching as she lifted the mud cake and cream laden spoon to her mouth.

"Want some?" she asked, before it reached her lips.

'YES" was the answer his brain screamed. "No," was the answer which came out.

-

Walking back to Elliot's apartment, Olivia shivered in the crisp night air.

"Here, take my jacket," Elliot offered, stopping to shrug off the item.

"No, no," Olivia replied quickly, pulling it back onto him. "I'll just get closer to you."

Grinning as he wrapped an arm around her, Elliot tried not to think about how perfectly comfortable and natural it felt.

"Warmer now?" he asked, trying to keep his voice even.

"Yes, I am," Olivia replied, flashing a grateful smile. "Thanks."

-

As they arrived at Elliot's building, Olivia scanned the street for a cab, there were none in sight.

"Are you coming up?" he asked. "I have a pretty good DVD collection, thanks to the kids."

"You need to sleep, don't you?" she asked, turning to stand in front of him.

"I'm sure I can stay up past ten," he quipped, a grin spreading across his face. "Come on, you can choose."

Without waiting for a response, Elliot headed in and headed for the stairs.

"What about the elevator?" Olivia called, her dessert making her feel less inclined to do anything physical.

"It's out of order," Elliot replied, as he started on the first flight.

"Now you tell me," Olivia sighed, starting her climb five steps behind him.

"Hey, El," she called, as he rounded the stairwell to start on the third flight.

"Yeah?" he asked, stopping and turning back.

"What's with the shirt tails?" she asked, tugging the fabric behind him as she closed the gap between them.

"What do you mean?" he asked feigning ignorance.

"You've been wearing them untucked for about the last month," she said, well, twenty six days, but she wouldn't let him know she'd been keeping count.

"Oh, it's the fashion apparently," he said, walking on. "Lizzie said it looks good on me." There was no way he was going to admit the real reason for his new fashion consciousness.

"Yeah, because she's not interested in what it covers," she muttered to herself, looking up to see the denim clad butt she loved covered by the additional blue hanging material.

"You say something?" Elliot asked, glancing back.

"No, no," she said, "Keep walking."

-

Searching through Elliot's DVD's as he fetched their drinks from the kitchen, Olivia couldn't make up her mind. Something action packed might keep his attention focused on the screen, which wasn't helpful when she wanted him to make some sort of move. Romantic comedy might be too obvious. Drama was out – they had enough drama every day, they didn't need more.

"What are we watching?" Elliot asked, placing her cup of tea on the coffee table.

"Don't know," she said, bending down to investigate the bottom shelves again. Elliot no longer cared about the DVD, he was watching something much better. "Help me out, El," she said, turning back around. "What do you want to watch?"

"Ass," he mumbled without thinking.

"What?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"As Good as it Gets," he said quickly. "Jack Nicholson's in it. Mo said it was good."

"Okay then," Olivia said, eying him sceptically.

-

Settled onto the sofa, one at each end, Olivia couldn't help but feel the night had all the tension of a first date. Stealing a few looks at him as the movie played on, she could tell he wasn't enjoying it much either.

"Why don't you put Sports Centre on," she said, unfolding her legs and picking up the empty cups.

"Are you going?" he asked, watching her as she climbed the three steps into his kitchenette.

"No," she called back. "Unless you want me too."

"No," he yelled back, then decided to go and speak to her.

Switching off the kitchen light and turning back to the steps, Olivia hadn't realised Elliot was there and crashed into him, sending them both falling to the floor at the bottom of the stairs. Olivia's landing was soft, thanks to Elliot cushioning her fall, Elliot's wasn't, his head bouncing on the hardwood.

"El... Elliot," Olivia gasped, bringing her hands to his face. "Are you okay?"

-

Elliot found it hard to respond with the wind knocked out of him, his head buzzing and Olivia lying on top of him.

"Elliot, talk to me," she said, patting his face. "Are you okay? Do you need me to call a bus?" she asked as she went to move off him.

Quickly, Elliot grabbed her and kept her still. If she moved another inch she'd realise just why shirt tails were being worn out lately.

"I'm okay," he finally said. "Just stay put for a minute."

"But if you're hurt..." she began, trying to study his face in the dim light available.

"I'm not, at least I don't think I am..." he reported, "Just give me a minute."

Olivia moved marginally, trying not to rest her entire weight on him. The movement was enough to uncover his secret. When she registered his erection pressing into her leg, she stared at him and saw the embarrassment plastered across his face.

"It's okay," she said quietly. "These things happen," she said, trying to ease the situation for him.

"Aha," he grunted, not wanting to engage in the conversation at all.

"Are you sure you're not in pain?" she questioned. "Spontaneous erections can happen in spinal injuries. Maybe we should get you checked out..." she said, going to move away.

"Liv, relax," he said, "I don't have a spinal injury. I can wiggle my toes."

"Are you sure?" she checked. Not wanting to acknowledge it was her presence that had him that way.

"Yeah," he said nodding.

-

For a few minutes Olivia just waited for him to let her go. She could see his mind ticking over and knew he wanted to say something but even though he opened his mouth twice, nothing eventuated.

"Okay, Elliot, it's time to get you off the floor," she said, patting his face. "This floor's gotta be hard on your ... What?" she asked as his eyes widened. "Hard on? Oh, Elliot, you knew what I meant," she said, trying not to laugh.

"Could have found a better way to phrase it...given the circumstance," he said, trying to avoid all eye contact with her.

"I'll try harder ..." she said, poking her tongue out. "How's your head?" she asked, "It was quite a solid knock."

"Head's okay, neck's getting stiff," he remarked before he caught Olivia trying to suppress a laugh.

"Getting stiff, hey?" she said with a chuckle. "I'm sure there's a treatment for that."

"I'm sure there is," he replied, his humour returning.

Knowing they had to stop this before it got out of hand, Olivia braced her hands on the floor on each side of his head.

"Can you get up by yourself or do you need me to help?" she asked, sincerely before bursting out laughing and slumping onto him once more.

-

Finding far more humour in his discomfort than she should, Olivia convulsed with laughter. Her whole body shuddering as the laughs ripped from her body as it lay pressed to his. All which served to increase Elliot's predicament.

"I'm sorry, El," she apologised, tears streaming down her face. "I didn't mean to make this harder on you."

Climbing off him, Olivia stood up and held out her hand.

"Come on," she said, and helped him get up from the floor. "Now, tell me, are you really okay?" she asked genuinely concerned as he limped towards the sofa.

"Yeah," he replied, rubbing his neck.

"What's hurting?" she asked, trying to assess his body.

Elliot stopped to consider his answer. The truth was his butt hurt like hell, but he didn't want to tell her that. Thinking he was clever, he went with Dickie's excuse for missing gym last month.

"I think I bruised my coccyx," he said, rubbing his lower back.

"Do you want me to get you come ice for your coc ...cyx," she said, biting on her lip to stop laughing.

"No, Olivia, I don't," he replied, easing himself back onto the sofa.

"Do you want me to get you anything?" she asked, sitting down facing him.

"Nah, it's okay," he said, wincing as he moved his legs.

"Want me to kiss it better?" she asked, ruffling his hair.

Not sure how he should answer it, Elliot laughed. "Well, I know how to make a balls up of the evening,' he sighed, laying back.

"Don't think it was your..." Olivia started before she stopped herself, now wasn't the time for technicalities.

-

For a while, Elliot closed his eyes and breathed deep, he was in pain and looking into Olivia's eyes wasn't making it go away.

"Let me get you some water, at least," she said before departing for the kitchen. When she returned with a glass of water, she'd removed her overshirt and just had on a blue tank top. Looking at his questioning face, she explained herself. "Sprayed myself with water...just left my shirt hanging near the heating vent. That's okay, isn't it?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied, sitting up to take a drink. When he'd had enough to drink he pushed the glass back towards her and knocked into her hands, causing the remained contents to spill onto her tank and slide down between her breasts.

"Fuck me," he muttered, watching the damp patch spread.

Trying to raise his eyes from Olivia's chest was nearly impossible for him but, when he did, he found her studying him intently.

"What?" he asked.

"Was that an invitation?" she asked, her eyes skipping from his eyes to his lips.

"Was what a ... oh, that..." he said, before nodding slowly. "If you want it to be."

"Oh, I want it to be ... if you're up to it," she said, running her hand along his thigh.

"Oh, I'm up to it," he replied and to his own amazement he was, already. He hadn't responded this fast to any person of the opposite sex since her was a teenager, and definitely not in recent years. Well, recent years except for the past month.

Lifting up his shirt and peeking underneath, Olivia couldn't help but grin. "Yeah, a fashion statement, my ass," she said with a laugh.

"Oh, we want to start talking about your ass, do we?" he said, reaching out to her and pulling Olivia onto him.

"We can talk about that later," she said, pushing up on his body so she could reach his lips.

And after that there was no talking.

**Thanks for reading AND reviewing**.


End file.
